How to help when someone you care about is sick

While we wait for a vaccine, numbers and positivity rates continue to fluctuate, and in some parts of the country, they are on the rise. If someone you know is sick — from COVID-19 or another ailment or serious diagnosis — you may wonder what you can do or say to help. According to the Center to Advance Palliative Care (CAPC), 70% of people will care for a seriously sick friend or relative at some point, and they recognize that confronting serious illness makes people uncomfortable. Because it is hard to know what to say, for many, it becomes easier to say nothing at all. Some of us have a hard time facing someone else’s illness because it can be a reminder about our own vulnerabilities and immortality. Whereas facing illness head-on forces us to confront possible fears about personal health and the health and well-being of those we care about. Illness can also be a reminder that some things are out of our control. AARP and psychotherapist Dr. Phyllis Kosminsky suggest the following ways to help someone you care about who is sick.

  • Do something concrete vs. asking what you can do. Does the person who is sick need help with logistics (walking a dog, tutoring a child, making dinner, driving to appointments) or would maybe emotional support be better (send flowers, hold a hand, be a shoulder to cry on, start a caring or support webpage). If you repeatedly offer help and the person becomes upset or refuses, do not take it personally. Some people need or want to be left alone, and their wishes should be respected.
  • Show up! Do what you say are going to do. Like with death and funerals, there is often a lot of support in the beginning, but then it drifts off over time. Do not let your support dwindle. You may even want to say, “I am going to keep going or keep coming until you ask me to stop.” There may be times that you may think your effort does not matter, but remember that the person who is sick may be too exhausted to respond or even say thank you.
  • Ask and listen. AARP points out that the general question, “How are you?” can leave a person who is sick wondering how much you really want to know? It may be more helpful to ask, “How are you doing today?” or “How are you holding up today?” This way, the person who is sick can share as much as they feel comfortable. It also allows you to listen to cues and follow up with ways in which you can help. When you listen, be present. Make eye contact, stay focused, and lean in. Be comfortable with silence at times. It can be a comfort to someone just having you there.
  • Think outside the box. You may have to get creative if your loved one or friend is too sick or tired to travel or do things you used to do when they were well. Gestures do not all have to be grand. Sometimes the little things go the longest way. Just be there. Be you. Honor your relationship in sickness just as you did in health, and work to create a sense of normalcy.

Reference

Levine, H. (2018). What to say to someone who’s very sick. AARP. Retrieved  https://www.aarp.org/home-family/friends-family/info-2018/terminal-illness-friend-advice.html

Kosminsky, P. (2013). How to really help a sick friend. The Health Guide. Real Simple. https://www.realsimple.com/health/mind-mood/emotional-health/how-help-sick-friend

Source: Amy F. Kostelic, Associate Extension Professor for Adult Development and Aging

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