Empathy

It is important not to confuse empathy with pity, sympathy, and compassion. Pity, sympathy, and compassion are actual reactions to the predicaments of others (Burton/Psychology Today, 2015). Empathy is the general ability to go beyond just putting yourself in someone else’s shoes. Empathy is the ability to share in someone else’s perspective and to imagine and ultimately sense what someone else is feeling or thinking. “Empathy fuels connection”; it allows you to “feel with people,” said Dr. Brené Brown, a well-known professor, author, and podcast host (2013).

Brown explains the differences between empathy and sympathy and provides poignant examples of how sympathy can drive disconnection and empathy can build connection. She reinforces that rarely does an empathic response begin with “at least.” (To the woman whose mom died, “at least your dad is still alive.”)  To create connection, you might want to say: “I’ve been in a similar situation, and it really stinks/it hurts. You’re not alone.” OR “It sounds like you are in a tough spot. Tell me more about it.” And sometimes, it is most empathic just to be honest, “I don’t even know what to say, but I’m glad you told me.” In some instances, Brown points out, there is no response that makes it better. It is the actual connection, the empathy, that makes it better.  In this sense, empathy can be hard because it may not be about fixing the situation, it is about being there. It is about being connected.  

Some people are simply empathic by nature or at least more empathic than others. But we can continue to learn, practice, or build empathy across the life span. To help increase empathy, we can (Greater Good Science Center, UC Berkley, 2020; NYTimes/Cain, n.d.):

  • Embrace curiosity and talk to new people. Learn more about what someone else’s life is actually like. Talk to a stranger in the grocery store or on an elevator. Go beyond small talk, and listen to what they say and observe facial expressions and gestures. Challenge yourself to have a conversation with one person a week. Note: Curiosity can help combat loneliness and enhance life satisfaction.
  • Keep up with current events. Learn from listening and being present with what is going on and how it makes you feel. Remember that each person’s experience is unique in the moment.
  • Embrace a shared cause. When people come together over something they value — a project, fundraiser, community garden, support group, etc. — they have opportunities to embrace their own area of expertise. You can come to care and respect each other despite conflicts, differences, experiences, privileges, and biases.
  • Actually walk in someone else’s shoes. Attend a church service other than your own. Volunteer. Visit another state or country. Participate in a dementia, aging, or disability simulation through Cooperative Extension. Think about what bothers you or what you like about the way someone is treating you and learn from it. Take it further. If someone is being rude, for example, think about why that might be. Why is this person stressed? Did he miss the bus to work? Did a car hit her dog that morning? Did child care get cancelled?   
  • Keep biases and privileges in check, challenge prejudices, and discover commonalities. Try to be honest with yourself and learn about your biases, which are often unconscious. Also remember that privilege might be something that you did not earn or something that you do not even realize you benefit from, such as being worried during a routine traffic stop. The New York Times highlighted ways in which “we all have identities, and some make us privileged while others do the opposite” (NYTimes, 2020).
  • Stand up for others. Take action or speak up. If someone says something inappropriate, call them out. Tell them it was offensive. If a colleague or family member is cut off or ignored, help amplify their voice. Advocate for things that will help others, even if they do not directly affect you, like advocating for online learning, even if you do not have children in school. 
  • Remember your bubble, and do not make assumptions about people based on your life. Do not assume someone is married to a person of the opposite sex, that they went to college, or have a picket fence.
  • Read a book, fiction or nonfiction, or watch a documentary. Reading books can help you to open your mind to the experiences of others. Researchers believe this increases your capacity to better understand a character’s thoughts and feelings, even someone who is not like you. Choose authors with diverse backgrounds or stories whose characters have lives and backgrounds different from yours.  
  • It is not about you. Learn to listen. Do not make the conversation about you. Do not blame, or deny that their experience happened. Do not interrupt. Ask open-ended questions, and do not get distracted. 

There are many benefits to practicing empathy. Researchers at UC Berkley point out that “empathy doesn’t just make you good — it’s good for you.”

  • Connection or empathizing with others can help you combat feelings of loneliness. It can even increase the likelihood that people will reach out to you. 
  • In addition to helping you connect with others, being empathic can also help you keep your own emotions in check, especially during times of stress. Remember, being empathetic requires you to first be in touch with your own feelings to best understand someone else’s (Brown, 2013).
  • Empathy can increase your desire to help others. This is because of one’s sensitivity to other’s distress paired with a drive toward their welfare (Decety, et. al, 2016).
  • Research demonstrates that empathic people make better managers, bosses, family members, and friends.

References

Sources: Amy F. Kostelic, Associate Extension Professor in Adult Development and Aging, and David Weisenhorn, Extension Specialist for Parenting and Child Development

Social media post: Empathy and sympathy might feel like similar emotions, but they are different. Empathy will help you build connections with others by allowing you to share what another person is feeling. We have some ways that you can build or practice empathy to make yourself a better friend, family member, or even a better boss.